


on a road that's long and winding, I'm calling home

by oheart



Category: Red Dead Redemption
Genre: F/F, Femslash, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Post Epilogue, Post-Canon, SPOILERS AHEAD, Sharing a Bed, and i happen to squint a lot, arthur/john if u squint, how's that not a tag, the lesbian farm we deserve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-09-06 12:16:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16832437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oheart/pseuds/oheart
Summary: in which Sadie runs from her feelings, right into the one person in the world who can see right through her walls.or: how I got tired of thinking about how good these two are for each other and decided to do something about it.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> this is ya girl putting words together and forming sentences for the first time ever in her life in the name of love and lesbian farmers everywhere. enjoy.
> 
> oh, wait, did i rewrite the whole prologue? i SURE DID. hope u like it xoxo

“It’s a small cabin-”

“A small cabin in the woods, north of Annesburg town.” Sadie interrupted before he could start again. “Christ, Morgan, I heard you the first fifty times. Settle down.”

Arthur smiled in a way she hadn’t seen him smile since, well. She'd never seen him smile like that, actually. “You in a funny mood today, Mrs. Adler.” He drawled.

“The only funny thing here is you developing memory problems and having to repeat yourself in your old age, Arthur,” she said, with no heat and a smile of her own. 

He waved her off. “Get going then. You’re wasting daylight.” He handed her the supply packages and helped her tie them to her horse. The cargo was small enough and Hera was a big enough horse, that Sadie wouldn’t need a wagon for this trip. Which was fine by her, considering she had a long road ahead of her and a wagon would only slow her down.

The bounty hunter got on her saddle. “I’ll see you fellers when the next disaster happens, I suppose,” she joked, beginning to guide Hera away from the house that had been her home for the last couple months. “Don’t have too much fun without me, boys.”

“You sure you don’t want to wait a week or so, so I can ride with you? I’m going north, too, either way.” Charles asked for what seemed like the third time that morning, coming out of the house to see her off.

“Yes, Charles, I’m sure,” she rolled her eyes good-naturally at her friend’s protectiveness. “It will take more than ‘a week or so’ for that twisted ankle of yours to heal. Besides, Arthur says this delivery is _important, Mrs. Adler,_ ” she said, mimicking Morgan’s voice “so, it’s best not to wait.” 

Charles chuckled while Arthur rolled his eyes like a long-suffering old man. “We’ll miss you while you’re gone, Sadie,” Charles said in that surprising honest and caring way of his.

“Oh, well, I guess I’ll miss you boys, too,” she replied, looking away to hide her fond smile before Arthur started nagging her about it. “But I really should go before Uncle decides to come outside and ask for a hug goodbye,” she said, only half joking.

Sadie turned her horse around with the sound of Charles’ and Arthur’s laughter in her ears. She was still fighting back a smile by the time she reached the gates and found John there with Rachel and apparently waiting for her.

“Came to say goodbye again, Marston?” she teased while he mounted his horse.

“Nah,” he replied, placing Arthur’s old leather hat on his head, “I have to head into town to run some errands. Might as well ride with you for a bit.”

For a moment she thought he might be lying about having errands to run and just wanted to look out for her, like Charles. But with Charles twisting his ankle while trying to tame a wild horse, Arthur still recuperating from his illness and Uncle being his normal useless self, a lot of the ranch’s responsibilities fell on John’s shoulders for the time being. _So, maybe it was just as likely that he really had business in town just as she was leaving_ , she thought, trying to gauge John’s expression, while he kept looking anywhere but her face. Or maybe not.  
  
“So, he’s looking better already,” she mercifully changed the subject, instead of teasing him.

“Yeah,” he replied, spurring Rachel to go a little faster, prompting Hera to pick up the pace too. “It was a little touch and go for a while there, but it looks like he's out of the woods for now. Maybe for good, if we’re lucky.”

He had a guarded look about him. She knew that look; she wore that same look more times than she could count. It’s the look of someone who’s seen the ugly side of life for too long and too often to believe that a good thing can last. She’d call it fear if it wasn’t such a resigned thing.

“John, the truth is, I don’t believe in luck, not after everything we’ve been through,” she replied seriously. “But I’ve seen what you and Arthur and Charles and, hell, even Uncle can do when you put your hearts into it. You boys build that ranch from scratch. You made a good life here, even after everything you had fell apart.” She knew Abigail leaving with Jack hadn’t been easy on him. Even though their marriage had been strained for some time and she was undoubtedly happier now, John still cared about her and that boy; they all did. But she could see those wounds were slowly mending, as John built a new life at the ranch. “When it comes to what you and Arthur can pull off, I’m ready to believe in almost anything. You boys are some resilient bastards.”

John let out a low laugh. “That we are, Sadie. That we are.” He gave Rachel a little pat on the neck. “Specially Arthur. Hell, I’m still not sure how that fool survived TB. The treatment almost killed him harder than the illness, sure, but still. All he got now is an occasional cough when it’s particularly cold and he gets a little tired more often, but that’s it. Resilient bastard, for sure.” He repeated quietly to himself, hiding his smile under the brim of his hat. 

Before she could say anything more, they reached the fork on the road where they had to part ways.

“Well, I’ll see you around then, John Marston,” she drawled, pulling away.

“Don’t be a stranger, Mrs. Adler,” John replied, not moving to head into town. “Hey,” he called out a moment later, making her look back. “you, too, you know.” At her confused frown, he clarified: “are a resilient bastard.” He grinned and then turned away, heading back to the ranch.

She turned around, shaking her head and following the road north. There was no one around to see her, so this time she didn’t try to hide her smile.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sadie was circling around the cabin, right hand hovering near her gun at her hip, when she came face to face with the source of all that noise: a woman, covered in feathers with a shocked look on her face. Before Sadie could react, the woman let out a startled laugh, picking up feathers from her dark hair and dress."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta, no proof reading, we write and post at 3am like lesbians

It was a little later in the afternoon then she would’ve liked when Sadie spotted the small cabin northeast of Annesburg. She stopped by the town for a drink or two, for the purpose of picking up any useful leads, and ended up running into a couple of robbers who thought following her and her cargo out of town was a good idea. They weren’t particularly good at tracking, but she had to take a secondary road to circle back around them. The men were too busy bickering at each other and by the time they noticed her creeping up behind them, she already had both at gunpoint. After that, it was just a matter of relieving those poor stupid fellers of their belongings and leaving them hogtied at the side of the road. The whole ordeal took less than a couple hours, but the sun was already disappearing behind the tall pine trees and Hera was tiring under her cargo’s weight by the time Sadie finally got off and breached the property’s gate on foot.

“Hello,” she called out while taking a look around and hitching her horse. “Mrs. Balfour?”. Sadie started to walk towards the house. There was smoke coming out of chimney and an axe carved into a pile of recently cut logs to the side. Sadie was about to call out for Mrs. Balfour again, when a sudden clatter came from behind the cabin, followed by a shriek, cutting her off.  
Sadie was circling around the cabin, right hand hovering near her gun at her hip, when she came face to face with the source of all that noise: a woman, covered in feathers with a shocked look on her face, while a recently killed goose lie a few feet away, muscles still spasming even after death, as some birds tend to do sometimes. Before Sadie could react, the woman let out a startled laugh, picking up feathers from her dark hair and dress. 

“I expected it would be difficult, but no one warned me _that_ could happen,” the woman said with a funny mix of amusement and disgust on her face. “Forgive me, I’m Charlotte Balfour. You must be Arthur Morgan’s friend. He told me he might send someone to check on me within the week.” Her hair had been twisted and pinned up, but most of it had come loose. Her long dark strands fell around her shoulders, making her look like she’d just stepped out of bed, comfortable and at ease in a way Sadie herself hadn’t felt since… well, since her home went up in flames. Mrs. Balfour wiped her hands on a cloth and offered the right one to Sadie, pulling her out of her reverie. Her hand was soft, but Sadie could feel new calluses and fresh cuts beginning to heal.

“Uh, yes, ma’am. I am. Arthur’s friend. Mrs. Adler,” Sadie stammered out, caught off guard, for once. “But call me Sadie, ma’am. I’m here to drop off some meat and cheese from Marston’s ranch? Arthur said you’d need it.” She pointed to the front of the cabin. “It’s on my horse, near the front.”

“Oh, that’s mighty kind of him. I’m a fast learner and I’ve come a long way from the clueless city girl I was,” she said, picking up the dead goose with a self-deprecating laugh, “but there’s still a lot to be done here and only one set of hands. Those supplies will surely help ease my mind.”

Sadie frowned and followed her to the front of the house. “You live here by yourself? Isn’t that dangerous?” Sadie picked her words carefully. She didn’t know much about the woman, but she knew what it was like to be underestimated on the account of her sex. “No disrespect, ma’am.”

“None taken, Sadie,” Mrs. Balfour replied, seeming amused. “But, yes, it’s just me here since my husband’s passing, months ago. We didn’t have any children and my family wouldn’t have wanted me back with how we left things, nor would I want to go back to that life. I like it here in the wild.” She continued, a little quieter, “It’s hard, but it’s honest.” She stopped by Sadie’s horse “and, please, call me Charlotte.”

Sadie started to remove the cargo, prompting Hera to let out a pleased neigh. “Oh, thrust me, I understand. Even back when I lived a normal life, I still couldn’t stand sitting at home and letting the men do all the exciting work.” Sadie joked, startling herself with her own sudden honesty. She hadn’t thought about those years in a long time. She nodded to the packages in her arms, “where should I put these?”  
“Inside, in the kitchen, please,” Charlotte called out while she went through the front door, motioning for Sadie to follow.

The interior was cozy, if a little bare. The front door led to a medium sized kitchen with a simple dinner table and Sadie could see a door, that probably led to Charlotte’s bedroom. She placed the packages on the table, while Charlotte checked the oven.

“I was about to pluck this goose and make dinner. You are more than welcomed to join me, if you’d like.” Charlotte continued, probably expecting Sadie to say no, “really, it’s the least I could do, since you went through all the trouble of bringing these to me.”

Sadie surprised herself with how much she wanted to say yes. She was so used to moving from place to place and being on her own by now, with the exception of John, Arthur or Charles sometimes, that part of her was expecting to feel that familiar anxiety from being under someone else’s roof for too long. “That’s really kind of you, Charlotte,” she began somewhat awkwardly and barely refraining from calling the woman ‘ma’am’ again. “I’d like that, indeed, but,” she quickly added, smiling “with the condition that you let me pluck and clean that goose for you. I reckon I have a little more experience with that than you do.”

Charlotte laughed again, long and hard this time, throwing her head back. She seemed surprised by her own outburst. “Oh Lord, yes, that’s probably for the best. To be honest, I’ve never plucked a bird before,” she said with shy sort of amusement in her eyes, “I was hoping the right way to do it would just come to me, I guess.”

Sadie smiled at Charlotte and pointed at herself. “Oh, I reckon it just did. I might be a mediocre cook, but I happen to know my way around plucking and skinning animals and all the grimier facets of the kitchen.” She walked over to the balcony where the goose was and started to work.

Charlotte went to chop the vegetables, while telling Sadie little anecdotes about her property and her daily chores. She told Sadie she was learning how to use the bow and that that goose had been her first successful kill. That she had a new garden out in the back and that’s where tonight’s carrots, onions and tomatoes had come from. That she was thinking about building a chicken coop and buying a couple of chicken and doing some seamstress work back in the town to raise a little money. She told Sadie about the lilac bushes she kept finding in the woods and how she didn’t like lilacs before, but now they were her favorite and she kept a vase with fresh flowers by her bed. Sadie listened to it all quietly, content to be surrounded by that simple domesticity again.

When dinner was done, Charlotte motioned for Sadie to sit down at the table and stood with the pan by Sadie’s side to pour some of the stew on her plate. Her hip brushed against Sadie’s elbow and Sadie was suddenly struck by a strange feeling of partaking in that long-forgotten ritual again but, this time, experiencing it from the other side. How many times had she served dinner for Jake just like that, at a different table, in a different time, as a different woman? It wasn’t the thought of Jake that startled her, though; she’d avenged her husband and put his memory to rest, it was the shock of getting something back when she didn’t even realize she was missing it. The intimacy and simplicity of cooking and sharing a meal with another person in an actual kitchen, inside an actual home again, left her feeling warm and dizzy in a way she didn’t think she could still feel.

“Thank you,” she said, voice almost a whisper, as Charlotte moved to sit across from her.

“I should be thanking you, I believe,” Charlotte smiled, sitting down. “You weren’t joking when you said you knew what you were doing. This is the best stew I’ve tasted in a long time.”

The bounty hunter nodded and there wasn’t much more talking after that. Sadie was too deep in her own thoughts to make conversation, but Charlotte seemed to be comfortable with the silence. After they were done, Sadie faltered for a moment, not knowing what to do next, feeling suddenly awkward and out of place in such an innocuous scenario. She got up and cleared her throat, automatically reaching for her hat by the door, ready to say goodbye and leave, but Charlotte stopped her with a hand on her elbow.

“Sadie, you can’t head back now, it’s too dark outside already,” she said, turning around to set the plates aside. “Stay the night. You can leave in the morning.”

“Oh, no, ma’am, I don’t want to impose-”

“It’s no imposition,” she said, turning to look at Sadie. “Really, if you leave now, I’ll spend the whole night wondering if you fell into a hole out there in the dark,” she laughed a little, fidgeting with a spoon. “By that account, you’d be doing me a favor by staying, actually.”

Sadie peeked outside the window. It was, indeed, too dark. The sun had sat a couple hours ago, and the moon seemed determined to hide behind the clouds for the time being. “Well, when you put it like that…” she trailed off, watching a smile bloom on Charlotte’s face. 

“Wonderful. I’ll get you some blankets and you can bring your bedroll inside-” she started, at the same time as Sadie pointed towards the front door saying “I noticed a small barn outside-”

“What? What do- No, you are not sleeping in the barn,” Charlotte spluttered, frowning. “I was about to tell you to bring your bedroll into the bedroom. There’s more than enough space and it’s quite warm…” She must have noticed something on Sadie’s face because she stopped and quickly added, “Or you can bring it into the kitchen instead. There’ll be enough room if we move the table a little.”

Grateful for the compromise and for having something to do, Sadie nodded wordlessly and they both went to move the wooden table. After, Sadie went outside to retrieve her sheep skin and feed Hera, while Charlotte placed a couple warm blankets on the ground inside for her.

“That’s a good girl,” Sadie murmured to her horse while taking out an apple from her satchel and feeding it to the big Mustang. “Let’s get you in that nice warm barn for the night, girl.” Hera went happily, neighing sleepily when Sadie patted her neck before leaving.

When Sadie went back inside, Charlotte was waiting by the bedroom door, already in her nightgown, fidgeting a little with her long hair. “I’m going to bed now. If you need anything, just call out my name, I’m a light sleeper.” She smiled, turning to leave, but then stopped and added: “I’ve been growing strawberries in the garden. They are small and still just a few, but If you’d like we can pick out some in the morning and have them for breakfast.”

She turned and disappeared into the room before Sadie could think of what to say. She stood there for a couple moments, staring at the closed door, breath caught in her chest for no apparent reason. _Yes. Yes, I’d like that_ , she thought, finally. She took out her boots and put them aside with her gun belt, then lied down on the floor and pulled the blanket on top of her. Her last thought before sleep took over was that the room smelled vaguely of lilacs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know enough english and history to know there's some stuff in there that are probably wrong, but not enough to pinpoint what exactly, so, technically, it's ok.
> 
> feel free to leave a comment and let me know what u guys think!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cracks knuckles* lets get this bread

Sadie woke up with the sun on her face. She turned on the floor, blinking away sleep and the sunlight coming from the window. She felt sluggish, limbs heavy and her mind slow from sleep, pleasantly lazy in a way she couldn't say she experienced often. Sadie looked up and around, momentarily confused by the odd angle and unfamiliar furniture around her.

"You're awake," a voice came from behind her. She turned around, spotting the dark-haired woman sitting by the table a couple feet from her. _Mrs. Balfour. Charlotte_ , Sadie's sleepy mind provided, as the previous night suddenly rushed to the forefront of her thoughts. She hurried to stand up, bare feet catching on the blankets a little. If Charlotte noticed it, she didn't show it. 

"Mornin'," Sadie replied, voice even raspier than usual. She cleared her throat, looking around the kitchen. "Seems I overslept. Can't 'member the last time the sun had this much of a head start over me." She reflexively picked up one of the blankets and began to fold it, not wanting to just stand there doing nothing. 

Charlotte got up with a dismissive sound, waving her hand. She was already dressed for the day. The blue dress from yesterday replaced by dark practical pants and a grey shirt that looked just a little too big on her; her dark hair was tied in a thick braid falling over her shoulder. "Oh, it's not that late. It's just around the time I usually start my mornings," she walked over and quickly reached for the other end of the blanket. "Besides, I was just about to wake you anyway. I seem to remember something about you and I picking strawberries together this morning." Their hands brushed over the blanket and Charlotte continued in a rush, "I'll understand if you would rather get back on the road as early as possible, of course, but I'm sure it will barely take any time. Besides, I would prefer to send you on your way with something in your stomach, at the very least. It's common courtesy after all. Unless... you really must leave, of course." 

"I don't! Have to leave right away, I mean." Sadie interrupted her nervous babble. "For once, I don't actually have another job lined up and Arthur shouldn't be expecting me back any time soon. Although..." She suddenly thought about the ranch, about Charles' ankle, about Uncles incorrectible tendency to avoid work, about John working twice as hard to make up for it all. But then, she looked at Charlotte, at her pale hands holding the folded blanket against her chest. She looked at Charlotte's fingers, the skin there looking a little raw, likely from too many long hours training with the bow. At the little bit of dirt under her nails, from working in the garden, at her slim wrists and her delicate collarbone, visible through the too-wide collar of her grey shirt. "Well, either way, he should be able to keep his head above water without me for a while longer." 

"Oh. Oh! That's, yes. Let me just put these away," Charlotte said, disappearing into the bedroom and marching back into the kitchen just as quickly. "Then we, where's the, oh here it is," she retrieved an old wood splints basket from the cabinet. "Then we can go," she finished with a girlish smile. "Well, come on!" again, she was out the door before Sadie could get an word out. 

Sadie scrambled to put on her boots, shaking her head and fighting a smile. When she got outside, she looked at the sun and noticed Charlotte was right; it wasn't nearly as late as Sadie expected. Just a couple hours past dawn, it seemed. Although a portion of the sky was looking grey and ugly with heavy clouds approaching from the west. She spotted Charlotte kneeling down by the garden she mentioned. It wasn't big, just a small patch on the ground where the dirt looked newer and moved. Sadie didn't know the first thing about gardening, but she could see small vegetables sprouting here and there. The strawberries were easy to recognize, though. Charlotte must have started her little garden with them, with how big and mature they already looked. She knelt down next to Charlotte and they began to fill up the basket in companionable silence. 

"It's funny, the fruit here tastes different from what I remembered from before," Charlotte's words broke the silence "most things do. The first thing I realized, well maybe not the first," she chuckled "but one of the first things I noticed when we started living here, was how different the food, the sky, the people...everything was. Nothing really looked or smelled or felt quite this real back in the city." She bit down on a strawberry and offered the other half to Sadie. "Sometimes I'll look up at the sky at night or step on the wet earth with my bare feet and the sensation still shocks me. Even the air feels different!" she went quiet for a moment, her voice growing more serious. "Maybe it makes me a selfish woman, but despite everything I Iost to get here, I'm still grateful, you know."

"I know. But it doesn't make you selfish, Charlotte. Still being able to see beauty in this crazy world despite all the ugly... Hell, let's just say I know exactly how much of an everyday battle that is." Sadie looked away, eating the piece of strawberry distractedly. The explosion of flavor caught her by surprise and made her think back of that one time, years ago, back in Dutch's camp. Arthur had been sitting by the fire talking with one of the men - Javier, or Lenny or maybe John -, when Jack had approached them and asked if he could have some of what Arthur was having. Arthur had been eating wild strawberries and Jack's little scrunched up face when he tasted one had been priceless, sending Sadie and the men into unexpected laughter. "But on the rare days you win that battle, it's damned worth it. At the very lest, it makes you a survivor." 

She looked back at Charlotte and found her staring back intently, with an expression that was hard to decipher. Sadie thought she could seem a glimpse of warmth in her eyes, like she understood what Sadie was saying. _Or maybe it's just pity_ , a pesky voice in her mind that sounded exactly like her own provided. Sadie looked away before she could confirm what it was. "I should check on Hera, though. Give the old girl something to eat." She got up stiffly and walked to the barn without looking back. 

Inside the barn, Hera was sleeping lying down, something Sadie rarely saw her do. Sadie tiptoed to a pile of hay and silently moved it next to Hera's sleeping head. "Girl, you're lazier than Uncle," she tutted before stepping back outside. In truth, Hera was a really energetic and alert horse. Didn't really trust anyone besides Sadie, John and Charles. She was hilariously resistant to Arthur, despite how undeniably good with horses the man was. Although, if you asked Sadie, Hera only gave him a hard time because she knew her owner found it funny. Back outside, Sadie noticed the the sky was remarkably greyer. She could almost smell the imminent rain. In the garden, Charlotte was just getting up with the basket full of strawberries leaning on her hip. 

"All set?" She walked over to Charlotte. "We should head back inside. Weather's looking worse by the minute." 

"Yes, we should," Charlotte handed the basket to Sadie with a certain urgency and wiped her hands on her own shirt sleeves. "You go back inside, I'll try to salvage all the vegetables I can. Last time I saw clouds like these I nearly lost half my garden." 

Sadie shook her head. "Come on, I'll put these inside, then I'll help you." She left the strawberries in the kitchen and hurried back outside with the empty basket. Together, they picked all the vegetables from the garden that they could. Carrots, tomatoes, onions and potatoes filled the basket. By the time they were done, the storm had long arrived and they were both soaked to the bone. 

"We need to get out of these clothes," Charlotte told her while stoking the fire in the kitchen. The wind was howling outside and Sadie was shaking inside her wet clothes. 

"Yeah, alright," Sadie started to take her boots off, too cold to even consider anything else. 

"Stay close to the fire. I'll get us some warm clothes," Charlotte advised after taking off her own boots and walked into the bedroom. 

Sadie moved closer to the oven and began to strip. First her soaked shirt, then her jeans. She stood naked by the fire, warms wrapped around her body. Her skin was freezing, with goosebumps all over. The heat from the oven felt both scorching and not warm enough. They'd managed to save most of the vegetables. She just hoped the ones that hadn't been ripe enough to be picked would survive whatever that storm threw at them. Charlotte clearly had a very limited source of food, any loss would affect her greatly. Sadie was lost in thoughts, wondering if the ranch could afford to donate any more supplies when she heard one of the floorboards creak behind her. 

Charlotte was standing by the door frame, wearing a clean and dry shirt and a skirt. There was a bundle of dry clothes in her arms, too. Sadie reached out with her hand, expecting Charlotte to hand her the clothes, but she didn't. She was frozen in place, staring at Sadie. Years on the read, sharing camp and tents with others dispensed Sadie of most of her sense of modesty and shyness when it came to removing her clothes around others, specially women. Sadie suddenly became aware that that was probably not the case for Charlotte. 

"I, uh, my clothes were soaking wet," she stammered, feeling her skin growing warm under Charlotte's gaze. She suddenly felt a lot hotter, and it had nothing to do with the fire burning behind her. For years, she'd been acknowledging her own nudity purely in the mechanical and practical context of bathing and changing clothes. Now, she was conscious of her body in a completely different way, though. The sudden change left her feeling dizzy and breathless. The pesky voice in her mind was telling her to wrap her arm around herself again, to turn around and apologise. Instead, she extended both her arms and straightened her back a little. No one had looked at her the way Charlotte was looking in so long. Sadie wasn't gonna interrupt her. 

Charlotte took four quick steps forward, stopping a couple feet away from Sadie. She shuddered a little and placed the dry clothes on the kitchen table beside them. She removed a wool blanket from the pile and focused back on Sadie. She hesitated a little and looked at Sadie with a silent question in her eyes. Sadie nodded. Charlotte moved half a step closer and began to wordlessly dry Sadie's shivering skin with the blanket. First her arms, then her shoulders, then her neck. Charlotte was so close now, Sadie could feel her hot breath on the skin of her neck and collarbone. The blanket was moving further down, reaching her breasts. Sadie's skin was growing warmer and warmer, but the goose bumps seemed to just get worse. Sadie closed her eyes, afraid that if she looked at Charlotte she'd suddenly realize the magnitude of what she was doing and would put an end to it. The blanket was just the right combination of soft and rough on her nipples. Sadie could feel Charlotte's breath becoming heavier against her skin, while her own got caught in her throat. The blanket went lower, lower, lower, until it was rubbing between her legs. Sadie's left hand shot up, grabbing Charlotte's shoulder, while her other hand wrapped around one of the wrists holding the blanket, guiding it where she needed it. 

She opened her eyes, meaning to say something to Charlotte, anything. But before she could figure out what that was, Charlotte's lips were on hers. The blanket felt to the ground and suddenly it was Charlotte's fingers between her legs. Sadie's own hands moved to their own accords to pull Charlotte closer. Sadie's hand on Charlotte's shoulder moved to the back of her neck, deepening their kiss. Her right hand circled behind Charlotte, grabbing her ass and pulling their bodies flush together. Charlotte's lips were impossibly warm against her own. Her tongue came out to lick at Sadie's lips and inside her mouth, causing Sadie to let out a whimper. Charlotte pulled away slightly, looking Sadie in the eye. They were both panting and flushed by then. 

"It's too cold for you to sleep on the ground tonight," Charlotte whispered. Her voice was deeper than Sadie had heard the whole time she's been around the woman. It was so distracting, it took her a second or two to understand what was actually being said. 

"Yeah," she panted. "It's too cold. It wouldn't be wise to sleep on the floor, at all." She nodded distractically, staring at Charlotte's lips. 

"Good," Charlotte said, stepping back and walking towards the bedroom. She stopped at the door frame and looked at Sadie with a girlish smirk not that different from the one she'd given Sadie earlier that day. "Are you coming or not?" She asked, slipping into the bedroom. Sadie was suddenly aware of how naked and vulnerable she was, as opposed to Charlotte, still fully dressed and now calling the shots, apparently. The notion sent a thrill through her. She crossed the kitchen and entered the bedroom she hadn't been privy to, until now. 

Charlotte was standing by the bed, her back to the door. She had just finished removing her shirt and Sadie's mouth went dry at the sight of all that uncovered skin. Sadie marched across the bedroom and put her lips on Charlotte's shoulder before she was even aware of what she was doing. She grabbed Charlotte's hips, kneading the skin there and pushed her own hips against her clothed ass. Charlotte let out a low drawn out moan. Sadie nudged Charlotte forward into the bed, where she stood on her elbows and knees, arching her back with a needy sound. Sadie kneeled behind her and pulled her skirt down, kneading her ass. 

Charlotte started to push back against her hands while simultaneously trying to pull the skirt down past her knees. Sadie moved to help her and suddenly the skirt was joining the shirt on the floor. Sadie pushed Charlotte's moving hips flush against the bed, following to cover her body with her own. She buried her nose in Charlotte's lose hair, drowning in that familiar scent of lilacs. Charlotte was still pushing her ass back against her, panting like encouragements like "please" and "yes" and "Sadie". Sadie snaked an arm under Charlotte's body, brushing her fingers against the lips between her legs and then further into her folds. She was unbelievably wet already. Sadie moved her fingertips in wide circles, making the circles tighter and tighter as she moved her fingers closed to Charlotte's clitoris. 

Charlotte was moaning wordlessly, her hips moving more and more frantically. Sadie couldn't wait any longer. She pulled away and guided Charlotte to lie on her back. Sadie bit her own lower lip at the new exposed skin before her. She wasted no time leaning down and closing her lips around one of Charlotte's nipples. She sucked and licked at it, enjoying the sounds it got out of Charlotte and the hand practically clawing at her back. She sucked harder and then pulled away with an obscene popping sound and then did the same to other other one. She could've spent the whole night at it, if it wasn't for Charlotte's wet folds pressing urgently to her lower belly, reminding Sadie she had other plans. 

She moved further down Charlotte's body, leaving wet kisses along the way. When she reached her center, Sadie spread her lips with her fingers and gave her insides a broad and firm stroke with her tongue. Charlotte's hand shot out to grab Sadie's hair and she began to pant. Sadie repeated the movement over and over, lapping at her folds with her tongue and then switching to round movements when Charlotte least expected it. Charlotte's hips began to tilt insistently against Sadie's face, indicating that she was close. 

Sadie began to suck on her inner lips at first and then her clitoris, causing Charlotte to moan out loud and buck clean off the mattress. Sadie held on tighter and continued to suck and lick at her relentlessly, until Charlotte's knuckles went white, her thighs closed like a vice around Sadie and her body started to quake. She tensed up and threw her head back against the pillow, moaning long and loud. Then Charlotte's body went lax and her grip on Sadie's hair changed, massaging her scalp instead. Sadie moved her mouth away from her clitoris and kept kissing softly at her inner lips, until Charlotte's pulled her up into a relaxed kiss. 

"You smell like lilacs," was the first thing out of Sadie's mouth. Charlotte laughed against her lips. "What? I like it." Sadie continued, pretending to be defensive, even though her smile gave her away. She signed contently, moving to lie on her back, pulling Charlotte with her so the dark-haired woman could lie on her chest. 

"Uh, uh, don't even think about it," Charlotte warned, prompting Sadie to frown at her, genuinely confused this time. "Don't go falling asleep now, not when I still didn't get to return the favor." She joked, the now familiar roguish grin returning to her face. "I had plans for you when I saw you standing naked in my kitchen, but somehow you managed to get me sidetracked and undo all those plans." Her hand were traveling low on Sadie's belly, full of promises. 

Sadie felt her mouth go dry. "Yeah. I've been told I can have that effect on people." 

"I guess we'll have to do something about that," She murmured, pushing Sadie back against the bed and crawling lower on her body. They didn't talk much more for the rest of the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember how this was supposed to be slow burn? forgive me, i couldn't help meself. i was 100% gonna insert some Conflict that would put a hold on the sexy times and stretch this out a little longer but then. i did this instead. happy holidays, babes.
> 
> i hope there arent too many mistakes here. it's 4am and i'm truly So Exhausted from the xmas madness. i'm gonna proofread this tomorrow, but i didn't want to wait any longer to post it. 💁
> 
> also, can someone pls let me know what were the words used for pussy back in the yeehaw days? it's for science.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, ladies, did i mention there will be be angst here? bc there will be be angst here.
> 
> as usual, no beta, so sorry for any weird mistakes.
> 
> (see the end notes for content warnings, my lovelies.)

Sadie found herself immersed in her new routine and the following days passed unheeded. One morning helping Charlotte clean the barn turned into an afternoon running errands for her in Annesburg, which turned into a whole five days of both women sharing the chores around the property. Sadie found an unexpected pleasure in the simple domesticity of it and the trips to town were surprisingly enjoyable and a far cry from the nuisance that leaving the road and going into any town, big or small, usually was for her. 

For someone so used to being on the road, the sudden onslaught of smells and noises and curious pairs of eyes were enough to make the hairs on the back of her neck stand up and her hands curl a little tighter on Hera’s reins. Annesburg was different though. Maybe it was because the town’s folk knew she was coming on behalf of Mrs. Balfour or maybe Sadie was in a more agreeable mood, but the people of Annesburg were remarkably easy to be around. 

The best part of her days were the late afternoons, though, when both her and Charlotte would be done with whatever work and responsibilities the day had brought and would just lie down in bed together, enjoying each other’s company, either by treading stories and talking about their days or by exploring each other’s bodies under the warm blankets. 

This morning Sadie was off to Annesburg again. The owner of the town’s only saloon was currently heavily pregnant and Sadie often found herself in the bar, helping the woman run her business and keep an eye on her oldest daughter, a scrappy 8-year-old girl with a knack for crawling under tables and moving things from their rightful places. Sadie didn’t know much about running a saloon, but she had a lot of experience with putting disorderly men in their place from years of doing exactly that and with managing wild little girls from being one herself once. Charlotte was already chopping vegetable and humming to herself when Sadie got on her saddle and guided Hera onto the road. 

The trip wasn’t too long, but in the silence of the road, the thoughts Sadie had been trying to avoid made themselves known again. She hadn’t heard from the ranch since the day she left - no letters or telegrams (she’d checked the post office every time she was in town). Neither Arthur or John were the type to send letters just for the sake of talking, so maybe the silence was a good thing in itself, but she couldn’t keep the anxiety from rising in her throat every time she passed by the post office. There was an ugly silent guilt growing inside of her at the thought of what could be happening back there while she spent her days playing Samaritan, picking fruits and making love in the safety of Charlotte’s bed. She pushed that painful thought away, as Annesburg loomed in front of her with all its now familiar sounds and colors. 

Sadie made her way to the saloon quickly, hitching her horse and avoiding eye contact with anyone who might try to approach her, not in the mood to get caught up in polite conversation anymore. The small saloon was packed as usual. The owner, Mrs. Higgins, a big blonde woman with strong hands and a stronger voice, could be seen wobbling around the place, yelling about some thing or another above the sounds of laughter and music. The pianist was atrocious, but the crowd always seemed to be too drunk to care. 

Sadie walked straight to the bar, crouching behind it, looking for Mrs. Higgins ‘little monster’. The girl was kneeling on the floor, carving something into the wood with a small knife she probably had no permission to use. Sadie got up, feeling a smile begin to form on her face. “You an artist now, Ms. Sara Higgins? Last time I saw you, you were in the business of setting things on fire, if I remember correctly.” 

The girl jumped to her feet, throwing the knife away reflexively before realizing who it was. A smile spread on her freckled face, revealing the gap where a tooth used to be. That gap was recent and, according to her mother, had been acquired by falling off a tree while chasing a stray cat. The girl always looked nothing but proud of it. Sara jumped forward, wrapping her skinny arms around Sadie already knowing Sadie would be ready to pick her up; she always greeted her that way. 

Sadie tried to look around through a curtain of wild blonde hair and saw Mrs. Higgins shaking her head at the two of them with a small smile on her face. She put Sara down and went to retrieve the knife from the floor. She put it in her satchel with a pointed look before the girl could start protesting. 

“Don’t even try, Miss. Go ask your mother if she needs any help. Go on, get.” 

Sara complied with a familiar pout. The next few hours were spent cleaning, serving drinks and dashing around the saloon to keep Sara or drunk patrons from breaking anything of value. It was around one p.m. when Mrs. Higgins practically forced Sadie out of the saloon, claiming that if she let Sadie help around too much, she was going to have to start paying her. Sadie got on her saddle gratefully. She was happy to help Mrs. Higgins, but the sound of that piano combined with the rowdy patrons tended to be too much after a couple hours. She was riding by the post office, with the old anxiety coming over her again, when Sara caught up to her. Apparently, she had been standing there staring at the door for longer than she realized. 

“Mrs. Adler,” the girl started all polite-like, “about that knife.” 

“No.” 

“But, Mrs. Adler, I swear-” 

Sadie snorted. “Oh, I gave it to your mother, kid. There’s no use trying to butter me up.” 

The girl threw her hands up with all the disappointment an 8-year-old can muster. “Goddamnit, Mrs. Adler!” She ducked, laughing, when Sadie tried to cuff her on the head her for cussing. 

Sadie rolled her eyes, trying not to laugh, too. “Come on, you little imp, let me take you back to your mother so I can be on my way.” Sadie reached down to put pull her to the saddle. Sara squirmed away and Sadie almost fell off trying to chase the movement. “Goddamnit, Sara.” The girl smiled victoriously, happy to have made her cuss, too. Sadie rolled her eyes again. “Sara, come on, I have to go back home and God knows what kind of trouble you will find if I live you here on your own.” 

The girl pouted for real this time. “But I don’t wanna go back there now. All mama does is yell and no one ever lets me do anything.” 

“Fine.” Sadie relented, knowing if she took the girl to the saloon now, she’d just sneak out again. “Let’s go somewhere else, then.” She searched around, quickly looking away when her eyes landed on the post office again. “The church.” She blurted out. 

“The _church_?” Sara seemed to enjoy the prospect even less than her. 

“Yes, the church. God knows you need it.” She mumbled to herself and pulled Sara onto the saddle before the girl could move away and gently set Hera into movement. 

Sadie wasn’t a religious woman, but Annesburg’s priest was a kind and very likable man and he distracted Sara with a few games of dominoes, while Sadie watched, trying to distract herself from her own thoughts. Eventfully, it was late enough that Sadie couldn’t ignore her own worries nor her responsibilities any longer and, frankly, she missed Charlotte with a fierceness that surprised her. 

She got up tiredly and motioned for Sara to follow. “Come on, kid, the longer we make your mother wait, the angrier she will be.” She saw Sara squaring up her shoulders, ready to protest, no doubt, when the priest put a mollifying hand on her little shoulder. 

“Now, now. Mrs. Adler is right. You played enough and your mother must be worried.” He put the dominoes pieces away. “Go ahead, Mrs. Adler, I can take Sara home. I wouldn’t want to worry Mrs. Balfour either.” He meant it as a joke, but the idea of Charlotte sitting in her home, waiting for Sadie to come back sent an unexplainable thrill through her. 

“Thank you,” she tipped her hat, almost halfway out the door already. She unhitched Hera and threw a leg over her, almost in one single move and rode fast and hard, feeling warm and giddy. Any thoughts of fear and guilt washed away by the prospect of being with Charlotte again. The sun would be setting soon and the two of them would crawl into bed together and trade bits of their days. Charlotte would tell her about a new bird she saw or the flowers she picked. Sadie could complain about the godawful pianist again and tell her about Sara’s gap-toothed smile and how she hilariously tried to cheat at dominoes, of all games, against an elderly priest, of all people. 

Her day dreaming was interrupted by an acrid smell. Half a mile down the road was located a small ranch Sadie had passed by many times on her way to and back to town. She didn’t know the family who lived there, but she’d seen the children playing with their dog a couple times on the dirt road that led to the property. Right now, she could see a huge column rising from that direction. She tasted dread at the back of her throat and urged Hera to go faster. 

No matter how many times she witnessed horrors like this, it never got any easier. The first thing she saw was the fire. It had already consumed most of the house. The second was the bodies, lined up at the front, covered by sheets that did nothing to hide the blood stains. The third thing was a man standing by the bodies, looking down with his hands on his hips. Sadie’s own hand flew to her gun, before she recognized the man as Annesburg’s Sheriff. 

“Mrs. Adler.” Sadie knew the Sheriff wasn’t older than forty, but in that moment, he sounded ancient. “I’d stay back if I were you, ma’am. It’s not a pretty sight.” 

“What happened here?” 

“Goddamn robbers. They shot the whole family, took everything they could carry, then set fire to the house on their way out. The stable boy managed to escape and ride to town for help.” The Sheriff took off his hat and swept a hand through his hair brusquely. “The deputy and I rode as quickly as we could. We just about managed to get all the bodies out before the house began to collapse, for all the good it did them.” He finished, bitterly. 

“They’ll get proper burial now, thanks to you, Sheriff. That’s good enough.” 

The sheriff looked up like he had only just realized he wasn’t alone. “Maybe.” He put his hat back own. “Ma’am, you should head on home. I sent out my deputy to pick up their tracks but there’s always the chance some of them could be still lurking around.” 

Sadie nodded mechanically and turned her horse around, trying not to look at that smaller forms under the blood-soaked blankets. She felt dazed, like she was riding through fog and the rest of the trip was just a hazy memory by the time she rode into Charlotte’s property. A strange calm took over her and she barely registered her actions as she guided Hera to the barn to fed and secure her for the night, like she did all the other nights. 

This time, though, Sadie stopped in front of the barn. She couldn’t shake the voice inside her head telling her that if she had left the town sooner, if she hadn’t frozen in front of the post office like a coward, if she hadn’t indulged in more time with Mrs. Higgins’ daughter, if she had not been so selfish, she would have passed by the ranch house earlier. Maybe just as the robbers were arriving. Maybe she would have caught them on the road and dealt with them before they could even set eyes on the ranch. A whole family was being slaughtered, while Sadie played with an 8-year-old. She felt her throat burn with shame. On that night, a lifetime ago, when her own home went up in flames, she sworn to herself she would never sit by and let men like those monsters get away with that again. 

She staggered and pressed her forehead against Hera’s neck, breathing hard. Dwelling on that night made her think of Arthur. He and Dutch had ensured her a second chance that night and Arthur stood by her side when she hadn't wanted to face her revenge alone. And, years later, John had done the same when she tracked down Micah. The three of them had bled and made others bleed together, they gave her a home and a purpose when she had neither. And, yet, here she was, ignoring them when they needed her help the most, and all of that to indulge in some domestic fantasy that was never meant for someone like her. 

Sadie made her way inside the house silently. It was dark already and Charlotte was asleep, her face peaceful and her long dark hair fanning across the pillow. Sadie left a note on the nightstand, next to the vase of fresh lilacs Charlotte always kept in her room. She inhaled deeply and brushed her fingers gently against Charlotte’s hair one last time before turning away. She climbed on Hera’s saddle and rode hard into the night in the direction she should have gone a long time ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heck, i know it's been a hot minute and for that im so so sorry. i got caught up in new years eve preparations and when that was over i started playing god of war, which completely took over my life, holy moly. what a game. it's no rdr2, but still. what a game. i still havent beaten all the valkyries yet, so that's where ive been spending all my time and energy lately.
> 
> but i digress!! which reminds me, CONTENT WARNING: there's a brief and non-graphic mention of child death and canon typical violence. it's brief and i did not dwell on it, but it's there.
> 
> so sorry about the sadness here, but stay with me and we will all make it to the ending we deserve <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *comes rly close to the mic* thank u so much to everyone who commented and left kudos so far. u guys have been truly keeping this thing afloat with ur kindness.

Sadie was feeling sore and exhausted when she finally returned to the ranch. Thankfully, the first to greet her was Charles; Uncle had a tendency to worsen anyone’s mood and she didn’t feel quite ready to face Arthur or John just yet. Charles helped her unload her horse and updated her on what she’d missed since the last time she’d been there. Granted, it wasn’t much, his ankle was better already and Arthur had been feeling well, enough that both, along with John, had managed to keep the ranch working just fine without Sadie, apparently. She expected to feel relief upon hearing that, but she was still too drained from the long ride and everything she’d been feeling to do anything but pat Charles on the shoulder and smile tiredly, only half listening to his words by the time they reached the house. 

“Look what the cat dragged in.” John’s familiar raspy voice come from behind her just as she was about to go through the front door. He had a knife in his hand and a block of wood on the other. The block was beginning to take a vague form of a bear, or maybe a wolf. He put it aside before she could decide which one. “You look dead on your feet.” 

“Thank you.” 

John nodded. “Anytime. Let’s get you inside.” They both moved inside while Charles took Hera’s reins and walked the equally exhausted horse away to the stables, probably. Sadie was so tired, she could only mumble a ‘thank you, Charles’, while John guided her by the elbow to the spare room. 

“You’re supposed to stop and sleep every now and then, you know.” John snickered when she dropped face first on the bed, grateful to be able to lie down after so many hours on horseback. 

“Couldn’t stop, too worried. Kept you idiots waitin’ long ‘nough.” Her eyes were closed, but she could almost see his amused face. 

“You know, we manage things around here just fine when you’re away, right? Things ain’t gonna collapse without you.” 

“I’ll believe it when I see it, Marston.” 

“Well, look around then.” 

“Ngh,” she began to pull the blanket around herself, curling further away from John. 

He barked a laugh. “Christ, at least take off your boots, first.” He moved to do it himself and Sadie showed no signs of hearing him. She heard her boots hitting the floor somewhere near the bed. 

John stopped by the door before leaving. “You didn’t have to come running like the ranch was on fire. But it’s good to have you here, anyways.” He left without waiting for a reply, probably assuming she was asleep and Sadie didn’t try to correct him. 

Sadie didn’t quite know how to feel. She wasn’t really thinking clearly when she got on her horse and left, too worried about what could happen in her absence to consider the possibility that her presence wasn’t as urgent as she thought. Not that she was disappointed that things were faring well, on the contrary. But now, she wasn’t so sure if she did the right thing leaving like that anymore, and that left a knot in her gut that she didn’t know how to begin to untangle. She pulled the blanket over her head, trying to chase those thoughts away. She desperately needed some sleep and dwelling on that wouldn’t do anyone any good right now, anyway. 

She closed her eyes tighter and willed herself not to think about the last bed she slept on. 

“You’re alive,” Arthur’s gruffy voice greeted Sadie when she got out bed and made her way into the kitchen later. She’d slept through the morning and it was way past noon already. “I had a bet going with Uncle.” 

Sadie chuckled and stretched, wincing at how goddamn sore her back still was and trying to ignore the awful taste in her mouth. “I’m not so sure yet, so don’t go sounding so disappointed.” 

“The wilderness didn’t suit you?” 

“Maybe not,” She turned away and grabbed an apple, sinking her teeth into it to avoid talking any further. 

“You sure? For someone who didn’t enjoy it, you sure took your time there.” 

She risked a glance in his direction, but Arthur wasn’t mad. He looked amused. She looked away, still chewing. Despite the circumstances, it was good to see him smiling. John was right, he looked better and better each day. It was enough to make Sadie smile herself. 

“You seem to be enjoying yourself, too. I haven’t seen you this relaxed since that night you drank Javier and John under the table and then almost fell head first into a river,” she fired back, sitting across from him at the table. 

Arthur rubbed his beard. A trick he used sometimes to hide a smile, fooling no one. “The was John’s fault.” 

“It usually is with you.” 

He coughed to hide a laugh. “Well, yeah. That’s his fault, too, I’m sure. But don’t think I’m letting you change the subject that easy.” 

“What subject?” 

“You. Being here, when you’re supposed to be somewhere else” 

“You kicking me out already?” 

“You know what I mean.” 

“Look,” she started, losing the remains of her good mood, “I went there, I did what you asked and then I left. There was nothing more for me there.” 

Arthur was looking at her so intently, his smile gone, a thoughtful look in its place. It made her feel so exposed, like he could read everything that happened in the past week on Sadie’s face. She looked at the apple in her hands, breaking the spell. 

“You’re a worse liar than John, you know that?” He still didn’t sound angry, just somewhat incredulous. And a little defeated. Like he was disappointed, but at what, Sadie couldn’t begin to understand. Thankfully, she was saved from having to respond by John’s arrival. 

“We’re having rabbit for dinner, ladies and gents,” he walked in dropping three dead rabbits on the table. “I hope these will do.” 

“Three is more than enough for five people and you know it. You’re just fishing for compliments.” Arthur mumbled to John, getting up and playfully shoving him out of his way to open one of the drawers. 

“Five? Don’t count yourself in. I said ladies and gentlemen, not ladies and crabby old hermits. Get your own rabbit.” 

Sadie set there watching as both men cleaned the rabbits, bickering and shoving at each other the whole time. To an outsider, it might’ve seemed like they couldn’t stand each other, but to Sadie, it was clear: the furtive looks, the barely suppressed smiles, the poorly disguised excuses to touch each other... it all reminded Sadie of her own time spent in Charlotte’s kitchen, in her garden, in her bed. The smile that had blossomed on her face watching the two men slowly faded, a grimace taking its place. 

She got up abruptly. “I should go check if Charles needs help with the horses.” 

John stopped mid whatever he was saying that had Arthur shaking his head fondly. “He said he was heading for the shed when I passed by him on my way here.” 

“I’ll help him with that, then.” 

“You know a lot about milking cows?” Arthur snorted. 

“I’ll learn,” she marched outside, closing the door probably a little too forcibly. John and Arthur would no doubt have something to say about her behavior. 

“Let them gossip,” Sadie muttered, “I have better things to do.” She headed to the cowshed, where she proceeded to make a fool of herself trying to follow Charles’s instructions. She just didn’t have the patience required for the job, she guessed. But a least Charles was amused and she had a good laugh and, by the time they were done, Sadie’s mood had improved tenfold. 

After dinner, Sadie went to sit outside by the fire to smoke, as removed from the house as possible. John had decided to quit the old habit claiming the smoke was bad for Arthur’s lungs, and in turn was managing to make Arthur quit it too, for his own sake. Charles had never started it to begin with, and she didn’t want to deal with any of their well-intended but disapproving frowns right now. Sadie was lost in her thoughts once again when she heard someone approaching her secluded place. 

“Alright. What’s eatin’ at you?” 

Sadie looked up at Arthur, as he set down beside her. She considered ignoring him, but cleared her throat and crushed her cigarette on the ground instead. “There was a family. Killed by robbers. I didn’t know them, but I’d seen them around town. Bastards killed them all and burned the house to the ground.” She rubbed her face, frustrated. “Even the children.” 

Arthur was quiet for a moment, pondering. “This world can be a nasty place, Sadie, we both know that.” 

“I _know_. Better them most.” 

“So, you saw that and you ran” 

“I didn’t run.” 

“You did.” He interrupted firmly. Her eyes pierced at him. He continued, but not unkindly. “You got scared, and not of any robber.” 

Sadie looked away. “Wasn’t scared,” she said stubbornly. “Just got tired of pretending. I didn’t belong there, Arthur. Playing with children, helping pregnant ladies,” She signed deeply, closing her eyes for a moment and feeling defeated. “Picking goddamn strawberries... That’s not who I am and we both know that.” 

She wasn’t looking at him but she could hear Arthur fidgeting at that. 

“Aw, hell. I’m no good at this so I’ll just go ahead and say it.” 

Sadie turned to him. He wasn’t looking at her, though. His gaze was lost somewhere in the direction of the house. “I was wrong,” he said, finally. 

“Wrong about what?” 

“About you. And me. When I said we were ghosts, that we couldn’t be more than that. I was wrong, Sadie.” He looked back at her, one of his rare smiles spreading across his face. He looked content, relieved and a little embarrassed. Arthur avoided her eyes again, looking back at the house. “Back then, I didn’t think I’d have that option again, but I have that now. And so do you.” 

“And what option is that?” 

“Don’t pretend you don’t know, Mrs. Adler, you’re smarter than any of us.” He got up, stretching and grunting in an exaggerated way that’d make John call him an old man every time without fail. “I know my past. I’m a killer and a bastard and maybe I don’t deserve a second chance, but I got one, and I like it. And I ain’t letting go of mine without a fight. You do with yours what you will, Mrs. Adler, but I’d advise you to not be a fool about it. Second chances are few and far between for folk like us, I reckon.” He said, with his back already turned to her, as he started to leave. 

“Where’re you goin’?” 

“ _Home_. You should do the same in the morning.” Arthur put on his hat and walked towards the house, whistling some song she didn’t recognize. 

Sadie sat there alone for a while longer, knowing exactly what Arthur was implying when he told her to go home, but not yet ready to admit it. 

The following morning found Sadie cleaning the barn. Uncle was supposed to do it, but his 'back problems' kept him from being of any use. Again. Sadie didn’t mind the work, though. It wasn’t too hard and kept her mind off of things. That was, until John Marston came marching in like a storm and took the broom from her hands. 

“Marston, what the _hell_ are you doing?” 

“What the hell are _you_ doing?” 

Sadie gestured to the floor, exasperated and making a face as if to say _what do you think, dumbass?_

“Not that,” John grunted, throwing the broom to the side. “I mean, what are you doing wasting your time here? I already told you, we were fine without you!” 

“Christ, John, you really know how to make a woman feel welcomed.” 

John threw up his hands. “That’s not what I meant!” 

“Then say what you goddamn mean, before I lose my patience with you!” 

John huffed, raking his hands across his hair. It was getting long again, like it used to be, before. “I’m no good with this. Talking about things,” he continued, ignoring Sadie’s eyeroll. “I’m not like Arthur, alright, I don’t have his patience. I can’t just gently nudge people in the right direction and then sit by, thrusting they’ll do the right thing.” She could tell by his tone that he and Arthur had been discussing this. 

“Marston. Have the two of you been talking about me?” 

He put his hands on his waist like a scolding parent. “Yeah, we have. So what? Look, I hate meddling as much as you do, but you are our friend, Sadie. We care about you.” 

She turned away with a groan. “Jesus Christ, John, what’s all this about?” 

“You are miserable.” His tone made Sadie falter. She looked at him. John was usually all action and wild charm, but he had this way about him sometimes. She’d seen it before. In the middle of a firefights, right before throwing a punch or when he was destroying someone at poker. Whenever he was in his element and had a goal in mind, John was all deceptive stillness and sharp eyes. That’s what he looked like in that moment. “You’ve been miserable for a long time. We didn’t say anything because we were just as miserable as you, but we ain’t anymore. We moved on. Arthur and I. Charles. Hell, even Uncle, in his own old drunk ways. We’ve all been doing our best to pick up the pieces, and I get it. It ain’t easy. But, Sadie, it’s never gonna happen if you don’t try.” 

His voice had a pleading tone to it and suddenly she couldn’t look at him anymore. She turned away, feeling her throat itch with all the emotion she was doing her best to hold back. “You don’t get it, John. None of you know what it’s like.” Her words came out forcibly, like a gasp. 

John put a hand on her shoulder and she only hesitated a little before turning into his chest and letting him wrap his arms around her. If she cried a little, she knew he wouldn’t comment or hold it against her. He had cried his share of tears on her shoulder back when Arthur was still so sick, they didn’t know if he was ever gonna make it. Those days had formed a silent agreement between them about certain things. She knew he wouldn’t tell anyone about this, not even Arthur. 

“I, I know things are different for you and me and I'll never understand you the way you need me to. But you need to stop pushing away folk who can. Me and Arthur... hell, finding someone who gets you, it helps. You... deserve to be happy, Sadie. All of us do, with our miserable blood-stained pasts, bad habits, nightmares, ugly scars and all. And even if we don’t deserve it, we should take it anyway because we are thieving bastards and taking things is what we do.” 

She burst out laughing. It was a silent laugh, more of a relieved exhale than anything, but her shoulders shook with it. “And you say you’re bad with words.” 

John let his arms drop when he felt her pulling away. “You will always be welcomed here and we do miss you when you’re gone. But we _won’t crumple without you_. You need to look after your own life and stop using this as an excuse to run from your future.” 

She looked at him, genuinely surprised this time. “Hell, John, when did you get so...” _wise, wordy, annoyingly accurate_. She gesticulated vaguely, not quite knowing how to end that sentence. 

“Well, in my defense, for that last bit I was just repeating what Charles said to me when I was the one acting like a fool.” 

Sadie snorted. “It does sound like something Charles would say.” 

“Yeah, he’s infuriating like that sometimes.” John picked up the broom and started to sweep the floor. “I won’t meddle anymore, but I do hope you will consider what we’ve been saying. It’s not just your own happiness on the balance here, you know? That poor woman must be worried sick about you.” 

“ _How_ do the two of you even know so much about me and Charlotte?!” 

“She writes.” 

“She _writes_? To you? About _me _?” She felt her face getting warm by that prospect, for too many reasons to count.__

__“Yes. And no, she writes to Arthur, mostly. And yes, among other things. Now, stop shrieking, I’m working here.” He gestured to the broom, his fake frown doing a poor job of concealing his grin._ _

__“You know what,” she put her hands up, “I’m not dealing with ya’ll anymore. I’m leaving in the morning.”_ _

__“Oh, good. And,” he bowed his head a little, “you’re welcome.”_ _

__Sadie turned on her heels before she smacked John in the face with his own broom. As she exited the barn, she could hear him whistling what she could swear sounded like the same stupid song she heard from Arthur the previous night. She couldn't judge him, though. Her heart was so light for the first time in so long, that she felt like whistling herself._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like i should apologise for charlotte not being present, only mentioned, but i wanted this chapter to be abt sadie trying to avoid the happiness she feels with charlotte (and the fear that comes with it), by returning to the safer more familiar things that bring her happiness, but failing catastrophically bc she still sees charlotte everywhere she looks. i hope i got that across well enough!!! 
> 
> also, so sorry for the amount of interactions with men, i know that's not what u are looking for in f/f fics, but this is rockstar's fault for not passing the bechdel test ;w; im just a small lesbean trying her best with what she has. (also, john and sadie are gay/lesbian solidarity!!)
> 
> please, feel free to leave comments. it helps me figure out what im doing right! 
> 
> aaand bc i love this fandom and im always looking for an excuse to interact with ya'll lol


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for not giving up and keeping the comments and kudos coming!! i want to blame writer's block, but truth is i was... insecure about my writing, lol. the encouragement really slapped some sense into me, though, so thank you!!!

Anxiety pooled in Sadie’s stomach. The closer she got to Charlotte’s cabin, the tighter the fist closed around her chest. _How will Charlotte react?_ Sadie wondered. _Will she be angry? Or happy to see me? Will she be indifferent and turn me away? Look at me with cold eyes and say she hasn’t thought about us at all in my absence?_

Sadie took a deep breath and squared her shoulders even as her hands shook slightly around her horse’s reins. This fear, this constant worry and second guessing, was the exact monster that had made her tuck tail and run the last time. She would not make the same mistake twice. The beat of Sadie’s heart matched Hera’s thundering hooves against the hard ground, as Charlotte’s cabin emerged in her vision. 

Sadie hitched Hera and dismounted slowly, giving herself some time. She struggled to think of what to say to Charlotte that could make her understand, when Sadie herself barely understood her own actions. Her reveries when interrupted, when Charlotte burst out of the front door, hair pulled back in a tight braid and shotgun in hand. _Likely on her way to hunt her dinner,_ Sadie thought with a jolt of pride. She looked beautiful like that, with her worn out pants and her heavy boots and that fierce look in her eyes. 

“Charlotte,” Sadie started, striding closer, a little breathless and with a helpless smile blooming in her face. 

The shotgun came up and a shot rang just above Sadie’s head before she could continue, though. 

“Jesus,” she exclaimed, ducking down and bringing her hands up on instinct, “Charlotte, what are you doing?! It’s me.” She risked a glance at the other woman. Charlotte held the shotgun up in a perfect stance, just like Sadie had taught her. If she wasn’t so busy trying not to get shot, Sadie would have laughed at the irony of being on the other end of that barrel. 

“I’m exercising my right to protect myself and my property from strangers and trespassers,” Charlotte answered, in a low hard voice, “because that’s what you are now, right, Mrs. Adler? A stranger?” she pumped the shotgun. “That was the whole point of your little note, wasn’t it? A clean break? So you could be free to leave and move on to better things?” She huffed a bitter laugh. Her face was pressed firmly against the gun, hiding most of it from Sadie’s view. But now that the initial shock had passed, Sadie could hear the cracks in her voice, the slight shaking of her hands. Charlotte was angry, sure. She had every right to be, but she was hurting, too. She had welcomed Sadie into her home and her life and Sadie had broken that trust. 

In all her worry of getting herself hurt, Sadie had failed to see that her fears and indecision had hurt Charlotte, too. Determined, she pressed forward, despite the gun aimed at her heart. 

Charlotte’s fidgeted with her grip on the shotgun. “Don’t think I won’t shoot, because I will,” she promised, as her voice and her hands and her shoulders shook under the weight of her emotions. Anger, hurt and longing clashing together in her chest. Sadie knew because she carried the same weight and could see it reflected in the other woman’s eyes, now that she knew how to look for it. 

“Charlotte,” she began again, taking another step towards the double barrel of Charlotte’s gun, voice thick with guilt and wonder, “I’m sorry. For leaving like that, in the middle of the night without a word. I should never had written that note. I should never have left, in the first place. But most of all, I’m sorry for how I took you for granted,” she took a final step. The barrel kissed the hollow of her neck, a mimicry of Charlotte’s own lips. “You took me in, showed me kindness. You shared your home, your food with me even though I had nothing to give in return. You,” she swallowed, voice failing a little, “you _loved_ me.” 

Charlotte’s features twisted, wounded, even as her knuckles went white around the gun. 

“You gave me something that’d never had, not really. And I ran away from it, when I should have stayed and cared for it.” Sadie took a deep breath. When she exhaled, she felt all of her final worries and doubts abandon her chest. Nothing else mattered, but her and Charlotte. Sadie couldn’t understand how it had taken her that long to realize such a simple and obvious fact. “I love you, Charlotte Balfour. I know I don’t deserve it, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I’m gonna spent the rest of our lives trying to make it up to you-” 

Her words were interrupted when the shotgun clattered to the floor and Charlotte launched forward. 

“ _Never_ do that to me again, Sadie Adler,” she hissed, punctuating every word with a shove against Sadie chest. Sadie’s arms went up and circled around her body when the other woman buried her face in her shoulder. “Never leave me like that again. If you have a problem, you don’t just give up and disappear, you hear me? You _come to me_ , so we can _talk about it._ ” She pulled back a little to look Sadie in the eyes. “Promise me,” she demanded. 

“I promise,” Sadie breathed, “no more running.” 

Charlotte nodded satisfied with her answer and Sadie leaned down to kiss her lips. Charlotte pressed into her, grabbing at her with bruising hands and turning the kiss hard and desperate. Sadie stumbled back a little, trying to brace against the front porch's handrail without looking. Her foot found the porch’s steps instead, and she fell backwards helplessly, pulling Charlotte down with her. They hit the ground with a thud, followed by breathless laughter. Charlotte kneeled up first, eyes shining with mirth. Sadie groaned a little rubbing her back. She had taken the brunt of the fall. _But, considering everything_ , she thought amused, _I probably deserved that._

She looked up at Charlotte. The other woman seemed to glow under the afternoon light. The reddish sky reflecting in her dark brown eyes, almost hypnotically. 

Sadie had never felt more at peace than in that moment, lying on the grass covered floor, in the middle of the woods. Looking up at the woman she loved and noticing the little lines in the corner of her eyes and the way her laughter echoed like music in the fresh air, Sadie found that she didn’t mind falling into the unknown once in a while. Even if it hurt a little. For Charlotte, it would always be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not done with these two just yet. sadie has more mending to do and more roots to grow, before the end.
> 
> thank you so much for sharing your enthusiasm and sorry for the delay! the whole point of this fic was to give us gals more f/f loving and then i went and left ya'll hanging!! awful. won't happen again.
> 
> also, i've been cooking up a series of supernatural AUs for rdr2 pairings, so hit me up with prompts/suggestions if that's your thing! vampires, ghosts, witches, werewolves... anything with sadie/other female characters (or other f/f pairings) or arthur/john is welcomed :)

**Author's Note:**

> criticism is very much appreciated :3c
> 
> <3


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